What If? Spaceballs

the pitches

Matt Sully

Title: Spaceballs: the movie before the other movie, even though the other movie came out first.

Directed by: david zucker

Starring: jesse plemons (heindlich), lucas till (skidmark), mel brooks (yogurt), noah jupe (tee dark helmet)

*** Warning: This is written in the spirit of parodies which some people may find offensive. There is foul language, racial stereotypes, and generally tasteless jokes. ***

Opening Text:

In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as… Spaceballs. You should know all this from the first movie, but since this is a prequel, let’s pretend you don’t.

Chapter 4 and two-thirds.

Spaceballs have built an empire of many planets, but their rule has brought both order and discontent. A strange new mythical force has been rumored among the stars, one which could bring a shift in power and end the Spaceball empire forever.

Unfortunately for the rebels, the Spaceball Film Commission received an early release of this film and now know the entire plot. Good luck!

For as long as Heindlich Asshole could remember, he wanted nothing more than to enroll in Spaceball Academy where he could train to be a genuine Spaceball trooper. Unfortunately, the Asshole family had always been factory workers. Generations of Assholes, along with their rivals, the Lips, had only ever known factory work, specifically at the local hot dog plant.

With the Lips genetic disorder of two left feet and the Assholes tell-tale crossed eyes, there were dozens of horrific and deadly accidents over the many years at the factory. So much so, the people joked that much of the hot dog meat from that plant was entirely made of Lips and Assholes. Despite Heindlich’s dreams, he knew his destiny was to one day die in that factory.

Then rumor of a mystic force called the Schwartz had reached planet OskarMayor, inspiring rebel groups that wanted to break from Spaceballs rule. The Spaceballs, eager to wipe out rebels and anyone with the power of the Schwartz have begun forming new bases on remote planets. When Heindlich rushes to join the local troopers, he’s surprised to see dozens of the Asshole clan in line. He’s ecstatic to have the family together in a new venture, but when he discovers Skidmark has joined the rebels, he’s worried he’ll one day have to fight his own brother.

Heindlich patrols his own planet, scanning citizens for high Chutzpahclorian levels. Anyone found with potential Schwartz power is bashed on the head, so cool citizens start dressing really preppy to avoid scans. All the black guys have no choice but to join the rebels. Heindlich scans a kid with extreme Chutzpah levels but can’t bring himself to kill him or turn him in.

He confronts his mother to find out the boy’s father, but the mother knows what Heindlich would do to the man. Hanging out with her friend Mary, they tell Heindlich it was Immaculate Conception. Heindlich has his doubts, but Mary’s husband is there to confirm the possibility. Joseph is naked and clearly drunk, chugging blue milk and spilling it all over himself. Heindlich lets them go, but takes the boy with him.

Meanwhile Skidmark meets up with a strange creature named Can-Can and a droid named WD-40. Can-Can has a terrible speech impediment and WD-40 constantly squeaks, but Can-Can says he can take them to a rebel base. They meet up with a group of rebels who are all showing off their Schwartz in lightsaber battles and speaking in strange foreign languages. Skidmark finally realizes it’s just a group of nerds in line for a comiccon, and that none of them actually have the Schwartz. He decides to leave, when WD-40 displays a holographic message from Yogurt.

Yogurt says he secretly switched copies of the movie so the Spaceballs think they win in the end. Meanwhile he’s calling all the rebels to a secret base on Secret Base Planet. Skidmark and his crew head out to join the real rebels, and take down the empire.

A montage of years shows Skidmark training in the ways of the Schwartz and Heindlich helping his companion as he grows to become the ruthless Dark Helmet. Can-Can gets into constant antics, annoying his friends to such extremes they send him on purposely dangerous missions hoping he’ll die, but he always comes back.

When Dark Helmet begins to show his Schwartz power (the down side), the other troopers fear him, and he bullies his way into leadership and sets the Spaceballs on the hunt for more than just rebels. He builds a robot army of maids who are sent to ‘clean up’ the galaxy, killing anyone who they suspect may be against the empire.

Skidmark and Yogurt hear of the massive army, but don’t have enough rebels to take on the maids. Then Skidmark gets the idea to clone troops, using the old hot dog factory on OskarMayor. They toss Can-Can into the machine and create hundreds of the annoying alien to send into battle. They’re terrible warriors, but there are endless hordes of them to clog enemy lines.

In a separate struggle, the rebels take on a group of Spaceball troopers, and Skidmark and Heinlich meet on the battlefield. The Asshole brothers fight until Skidmark is finally wiped out. Heindlich is heartbroken and wants to go back to the hot dog plant, but the rest of his family are troopers now. Once again, he longs to be a part of something different, but knows his destiny is to die doing what his family does, serving the Spaceball empire.

The robot army is defeated by the Can-Can clones, and the rebels prove they are a real threat to the Spaceballs. Hundreds of Can-Cans are left alive unfortunately, and Yogurt and the remaining rebels decide it’s best to leave them behind. Yogurt says, “Maybe they can use them in Star Wars.”

*Special thanks to my wife, Vanessa.

Chris Sully

Title: spaceballs II: The search for moar monee

Directed by: mel brooks

Starring: rick moranis, bill pullman, jeff daniels

Setting: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away

35 years after the events of the first Spaceballs movie…..

Lone Starr and Vespa, now King and Queen of Druidia, have ruled happily over their kingdom for years, with no problems from the rest of the universe. They’ve grown older, had their own children (who now have children of their own) and helped to raise 3 generations of Barf’s bloodline.

After getting caught up with the day-to-day life of our royal family on Druidia, we are taken to a galaxy much, much, much, much, much farther away where we find a planet named DaBank. DaBank is in many ways like Druidia, with beautiful landscapes, a thriving economy and a united community of people. We’re taken inside the castle of the royal family there and introduced to the royal DaBankish royal family, made up of a King and Queen, now approaching their mid-60s, their children and grandchildren.

We are introduced to King Monee (played by Jeff Daniels) as he presides over the dedication of a new family center on DaBank. During his speech he talks about how this new building means so much to him, since his family had once been broken up by the events of a war on their planet years ago & how it still saddens him that he had never been able to find his long lost brother.

The next day at the DaBank castle, a mysterious letter is delivered to the King with one simple line of text – “I know where to find your brother, and I can take you there.” It is signed Coffee and a phone number is listed.

King Monee calls the number and arranges a secret meeting with the mysterious Coffee. We don’t see the meeting, but quickly cut to a caravan of ships leaving the atmosphere of DaBank. King Monee, the rest of the royal family and their advisors are all aboard, and headed to a place they had never heard of before – Druidia.

The ship arrives outside the shield of Druidia and King Monee is able to communicate with King Starr (Lone Starr to those not following along) on screen. Monee reveals that he is there in search of his long lost brother. Starr and Monee look at each other for a few moments and realize that there are some similarities between the two, so Starr makes the decision to open up the gate and let Monee’s ships in.

Fast forward to the next evening. Inside the castle, we find a huge celebration underway as the brothers are reunited. King Monee stands before the crowd and declares this the happiest day of his life. He had been hunting for his long-lost brother for decades and was filled with happiness and relief that his search had concluded. In his words “Finally, I am reunited with my family, my brother.. My search for Moar Monee has come to an end.” As it turns out, Lone Starr’s real name was Moar Monee. <wink, wink – nod, nod>

As the speech continues, King Monee thanks his family and “one special person, who had made this all possible,” as he introduces Mr. Coffee to the podium. It is in that moment that King Starr/Moar Monee, Vespa and the rest of the Druish people gasp in horror. Mr. Coffee was not Mr. Coffee at all. It was actually Dark Helmet, posing as a helpful citizen of DaBank.

As he reaches the mic, he takes out his Schwartz ring, points it at the sky and yells “attack!” He was there to retaliate and take his vengeance out on Lone Starr.

We cut to the space around the planet’s shield and see ship after ship jump from hyperspace, coming in full plaid, and screech to a halt. The ships are all giant white spheres. At that moment, one of the Druish guard screams – Oh no, We are surrounded by Assholes!!!

Pandemonium ensues. People are running everywhere, panicking and screaming (insert Wilhelm scream). The battle is on.

Druish ships launch to combat the Spaceballs, making a grave mistake. As they open the shield to fly out, one of the giant spheres (this one more like a donut) plugs the hole and creates an opening. Ships fly in and the battle begins within the shield.

Troops deploy to the ground and fights begin on the planet’s surface.

The battle wages on and eventually we cut to the eventual rematch between Dark Helmet and Lone Starr. As the two take our their Schwartzes, Dark Helmet declares “Since our first fight I have honed my skills, I have studied and prepared for this day. – My Schwartz is now bigger than it has ever been and I will EASILY destroy you.”

On the heels of Dark Helmet’s speech – Lone Starr’s kids and grandkids appear… with their own Schwartzes!! About that time, a litter of Barf’s lineage comes out of nowhere and attacks Dark Helmet’s legs. Helmet had not prepared for this family defense. Realizing he is never going to win, he surrenders and hands over his ring.

The war wages on in the air and on the planet’s surface, but the Spaceballs are no match for the Druish Army. The Spaceballs ships attempt to retreat back through the donut-plug but as they exit they find themselves trapped in a giant netting, created as a counter-measure by the Druish. As the last ship exits the planet’s protective shield, the netting is sealed and set adrift in space. A giant sack of assholes will now just be floating through space.

With the attack averted, the Monee brothers reunite and the celebration continues. All is well for Druidia and DaBank…. Or is it.

As the closing credits roll, we return to our view of DaBank to find the castle taken over by Spaceballs. As we push into the throne room, we find a familiar figure taking a seat at the throne – it’s President Skroob! Skroob looks into the camera and says “It’s good to be the king!” then winks.

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