What If? The Goonies
Title: The Goonies 2: Treasures Lost
Directed by: david O. Russell
Starring: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, Corey Feldman, Ke Huy Quan, Jeff Cohen, Marcel Ruiz as The Kid
We open in a jungle. A pirate crew, exhausted and hurt, are emerging from a broken ruins. They’re signaling defeat. “Captain William,” one of the men says. “We can’t go any further. There’s traps.” “I’m tired of robbing Spanish kings,” William says, clearing the sweat from his eyes. “I want something real.” William goes into the ruins and his crewmate calls after him. “Careful, Captain! Charles nearly lost an eye to one of them traps!”
A 1980s Ferrari pulls into a parking garage. Brand, sharp suit and slick, salt-and pepper hair, revs the engine as two women walk past. They laugh rather than showing any interest. 52 with a semblance of success, he walks to the local Starbucks, but instead of ordering at the counter, he steps behind it and dons a green apron. The manager scolds him for being late and tells him to stop wearing the same stupid suit every day. We watch Brand mess up orders and shun customers, displaying general misery for his situation. On an extended break, he receives a phone call from Slothfather’s Pizza.
It’s Chunk, who he hasn’t spoken to in decades. He says Mikey is missing, and he has no idea who to turn to. Brand says he’s probably just off on an adventure like always, but Chunk says Mikey always tells him when he’s leaving, and he’s been gone for a week with no word. Brand gets fired by his boss, takes every dollar from the tip jar, and speeds away in his Ferrari. The GPS on his phone announces his destination of Astoria. The Portland cityscape fades behind him.
We see Chunk come from the kitchen of Slothfather’s Pizza to find Brand looking at pictures adorning the restaurant walls. Chunk, still heavy and excited, tells his story from after the gang’s pirate-treasure adventure and we discover that through dispute in maritime and state law, a settlement was made: the Goondocks were protected from becoming a golf course and Mikey was declared the sole owner of One-Eyed Willy’s treasure. After the state taking their share and taxes, Mikey had enough to give each Goonie $100k, and he shared it without question.
Chunk went to college and got married while the Cohen family looked after Sloth. When Chunk returned home, they opened a pizza place together and, after Sloth passed away, Chunk kept it going. Singing comes from the kitchen and out steps the Fratelli brothers. After prison they sought out their brother and became full time employees at the pizza place. Their incessant fighting continues despite their age.
Brand asks how he can trust them. “They’re criminals,” he says. “I have nothing of value to steal,” says Chunk. “This place has never been successful. Turns out slow and fat aren’t what people want from their pizza guys, plus we don’t do delivery. Once a goonie, always a goonie.”
We get brief details on the other Goonies. All besides Mikey moved out of Astoria long ago. Mouth has made a life marrying old widows to inherit their fortunes. Data switched from making useless gadgets to making useless software (his latest app tells you how far in the digestion process your last meal is). Steph manages a Sunglass Hut. Brand asks about Andy and it turns out she’s the only one with any moderate success. She’s an engineer, has a husband of many years, and is also living in Portland.
Brand and Chunk drive through the old Goondocks to the history museum where Mikey works, just like his father once did. We see an addition to the older building dedicated to the life and treasure of One-Eyed Willy. Inside is The Inferno, Willy’s salvaged ship, and display after display of artifacts and descriptions of the cave and its many booby traps where the ship was once hidden. All the valuable treasure is long gone. Only memories and relics remain. The museum is closed and a bit rundown, and we discover Mikey is the museum’s sole owner and employee.
They break into Mikey’s office and discover a notebook detailing a lost Mayan treasure in the tunnels of Balamku, meaning the Jaguar God, under Chichen Itza in Mexico. It looks like Mikey urgently left to find the treasure and never returned.
Chunk and Brand are set to go find Mikey, but they have no money for the trip, and they don’t speak Spanish. They call the others to ask for money, but each says they want to help and/or have their own reasons for wanting to go. Data wants to test a new translation app, Andy needs a vacation, Mouth thinks he could find his next wealthy widow, and Stef says she needs a break from the corporate world.
When they arrive in Mexico, they review Mikey’s notebook, matching his findings with local landmarks (ones he already identified in his research). Mouth, Data, and Stef confess they don’t really believe Mikey is any danger and want to spend time at the beach. Chunk, Brand, and Andy form their own group and follow the clues to a Mayan temple, noting how well taken care of looks, not really old at all, and dozens of tourists are freely moving in and out. Despite thinking they’re trespassing and possibly violating some sacred institution, they sneak into the temple at night, after the tourists have all gone.
With hints from Mikey’s notebook, they discover a hidden door and descend a staircase into a tunnel system. There they see Mikey’s jacket with the museum name on it and an artifact they think may come in handy. They solve a couple of booby traps using their past knowledge and details from Mikey’s book, saying how it all seems too easy and a bit juvenile. Then Chunk accidentally falls through a wall into a much older looking area, a room filled with Jaguar statues and relics that look genuinely ancient. Andy screams, and before running to her, he pockets some small artifacts.
Andy is caught in some ropes like a tangled spiderweb and being choked by one of the ropes. The guys rush to help when Mikey emerges from a hidden door and begins cutting ropes. They save Andy and Mikey says the trap wasn’t supposed to do that. They discover his disappearance and his notebook about an ancient treasure was a big ruse to force a Goonies reunion. They are relieved he’s alive, but furious with his deception. They go back to their hotel, a modest place in a small town, surrounded by expansive resorts and tourist hubs.
The others are back from the beach to say ‘I told you so’ about Mikey. The Goonies go to a run-down bar and talk about where they all ended up. Mouth’s latest wife just won’t die and he regrets not meeting someone his own age and genuinely falling in love. Data, showcasing his latest apps poor translation abilities, says he’s never found the one great invention he always wanted to and fears he’s disappointed his father. Chunk regrets his time away from Sloth when he went away for college. Whether they outright say so, it’s very much implied how miserable they all are, how disappointing their lives have all become. Nohing was ever better than that time they spent together running from the Fratelli’s and bonding when the world was against them. They drink to old times, understanding why Mikey wanted to see them all again.
Brand and Andy have their own private conversation and he says he’s glad that at least she’s happy. She says she got to travel and get a degree, she has a nice place and a decent marriage, but she’s not happy. She doesn’t have friends, none like she did when she was young, not like Brand and the gang from the Goondocks. Brand confesses that he’s a complete failure, every business venture he’s ever tried collapsed, and he’s broke.
Then they talk about how corny Mikey’s traps and artifacts were and give him back all the junk they found along the way. He says he based the objects for his fake treasure hunt on something Willy was looking for but couldn’t find. Mikey wasn’t even sure the treasure actually existed. When all the others retire for the night, Mikey walks through the little town, the big lights of the resorts shining in the distance.
He meets a local kid who says he and his family used to live closer to the coast but wealthy people came in and bought the place up, displacing them. He says generations of his family lived and owned the land from there to the coasts and slowly they were pushed further and further inland, made poorer and poorer. Mikey identifies with him and he tells him about his past and shows him his fake artifacts. The kid identifies one as something similar to a family heirloom he has and wants to show Mikey. The kid takes him to his house and digs out an old box filled with items, each with a Jaguar symbol. He says it was a symbol of the Mayans a long time ago, a god that was meant to protect them and keep their lands safe. The old folks say there was once a statue imbued with magic that ensured its protectors would never lose what was theirs, but it was lost long ago.
Mikey thinks it was the real treasure One-Eyed Willy was looking for and he thinks he can find it. Mikey leaves the house wanting to go tell the others when the Fratelli brothers emerge from hiding. They were bitter not getting any of the treasure from long ago and they have been following Mikey for years hoping he could lead them to genuine riches. They take the kid’s artifacts, kidnap Mikey, and set out to get the treasure first.
The kid rushes to find the other Goonies and tells them what happened. Knowing the Fratellis are not above killing, the Goonies decide they need to get to the treasure first to have a bargaining chip for Mikey’s life. It’s a race to the treasure, both sides working through different avenues of the Balamku tunnels, encountering their own real and dangerous booby traps. There’s injuries on both sides, and when Mikey realizes the others are there, he tries to delay the Fratelli brothers. His plan works and the Goonies reach the treasure first, but there are no gems or doubloons. It’s just a jaguar statue.
Regardless, the Fratellis assume it has value and agree to let Mikey go. Once they do, though Brand steps in. He says he’s never had success and he’s not going to give up another and likely his last chance at finding it. He and the Fratellis fight until Mikey shouts over the brawl.
“We had our time guys. It’s not our time anymore. This isn’t our treasure. It belongs to these people, and they deserve a chance like we did. Sure, we didn’t all end up where we thought we would, but who does? That’s life, but don’t overlook all the good things we had. You guys were able to go to college, see the world, run a pizza place, keep inventing. I kept the museum alive.”
“And what have I done, Mikey?” asks Brand. “I made terrible investments and lost everything.”
“But you took a risk, and you didn’t give up. Goonies never say die. So we’re not all millionaires, so what?”
“I am,” Stef says. “Did you guys think I just work at the Sunglass Hut? I own it, not the store, the company. I only work there to see how people shop and react to new trends. I paid for all your plane tickets to Mexico!”
“And what do we have?” asks the Fratellis.
“You have the restaurant. I see how happy you guys are, even when you fight, because you’re honoring your brother’s memory. You get to cook where your brother cooked, serve his food, and bring a little joy to the new generation of Goonies, even if it’s just by the slice. That’s what we all have. Little joys by the slice. We’ll take the treasure back to its rightful owners and if there’s any real magic in it, maybe they’ll get their lands back. We have ours, and we should be thankful we do. Let’s just go back to the Goondocks.”
We see them bring the kid the statue and they all talk about moving back to Astoria. Stef thinks she could open up a few more stores and work at one. Andy and Brand had a couple of moments along the adventure and there’s some indication the sparks are still alive. Data says he has a great idea for a website that can help old friends find each other and Stef says, “oh, that’s why you’re not on Facebook.” Data says “what’s Facebook?” “Forget Facebook,” says Mouth. “What you want is Silver Singles.”
Title: Goonies Never Say Die
Directed by: Matthew Vaughn
Starring: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, Corey Feldman, Ke Huy Quan, Jeff Cohen, Kiefer Sutherland, ‘Next-Gen Goonies’: Open For Casting
We open on a young boy, about 12 years old, in a classroom. He’s focused on the clock and absolutely couldn’t care less about what the teacher is saying. He counts down the seconds 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…. the bell sounds! He leaps from his chair and sprints outside, jumps on his bike and pedals down the road to a local comic shop, just a few blocks away.
At the comic book store, the young boy is greeted by several of his friends and the comic store owner – “Billy!!!” …. Billy chats it up with his friends, checking out the latest comics, Pops!, action figures & Pokemon cards. He debates which is better Marvel or DC & there’s a really good line in there about how crazy it is that the same actor Josh Brolin played both Thanos and Cable in the extended MCU.
Billy’s phone goes off and he checks to find a text from his Mom, wondering where he is. Instead of answering, he just jumps on his bike and pedals towards his house, since he’s pretty sure he is in trouble for not coming straight home.
Billy returns home to find his parents waiting for him in the living room. We recognize his dad immediately – a grown up Mikey (Sean Astin) & get our first introduction to his mother. They ask him to sit down and break the news to him that his grandfather had passed away earlier that day. They would all be heading back to his dad’s home town of Astoria (where they often spent parts of their summers) for the funeral and would have to leave the next morning.
Fast forward to the next day and the family arriving in the little town of Astoria. They exit the Uber at the family home, which looks much like it did in the original Goonies film, only a lot cleaner and with a severe lack of any Data created Rube Goldberg machines in the front yard. Inside, the house is definitely different than we remember, with upgrades throughout and a cleaner, more modern style.
Mikey leads Billy to his old room & tells him it will be his to stay in over the next few days. The room has remained unchanged for years, basically since his dad had left to go off to college years before. As the camera pans around the room, we see that Mikey had become even more obsessed about One Eyed Willy in the years following their discovery of his treasure. He had researched and read everything he could find and collected all of the information on the walls of his bedroom – articles, photos & even some of his own rough sketches were everywhere. Billy plops down on the bed, tired from his travels that day and fades off for a nice afternoon nap.
Later that afternoon, there is a big gathering in the living room & we see the familiar faces of most of the original Goonies gang. They had all come in, with their kids in tow, for the funeral. While they had all grown older and gone their separate ways in life, they still remained friends and would see each other every few years here in Astoria, where their families maintained the homes they had once saved.
The children of the original Goonies gang are all around the same age and naturally end up hanging out down in the basement of the home.
The gang includes Billy, his cousin Tiff (Brand’s daughter), Ruth (Chunk’s daughter), Nicolas (Data’s son), and the twins Corey & Lucas, the kids of Mouth and Stef, who ended up together after the events of the first film.
The children have each met at different points in their life, but haven’t had much time to bond as a full group. With the funeral a couple days away, they’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other, but what to do in a small town where nothing has happened in decades. They’re talking it over when they get the call to come up for dinner.
That night, Billy is laying in bed, looking around the room at all of the crazy One Eyed Willy stuff on the walls. His dad had talked about the Goonies adventures his entire life and Billy felt like he knew everything there was to know about it, but clearly he was wrong. There was so much information on the walls that he hadn’t really noticed before. He slowly makes his way around the room, picking and choosing random items to focus on when he finds an old Trapper Keeper, covered in sketches and filled with page after page of notes. After several minutes reviewing the contents, it dawns on him that his father had been researching something.
Billy approaches his Dad about the Trapper Keeper and Mikey kind of brushes it off. “Oh, that was just some crazy stuff I was trying to make sense of. I so badly wanted there to be more treasure and another adventure. I must have just been reaching at that point. I had searched through everything that your grandfather had stored in the attic and found this other document that looked like the map. I finally decided it was a fake and that’s why grandpa must not have submitted it to the museum.”
Billy couldn’t let it go. He spent that afternoon reading and re-reading the pages and located the “other document” that is dad referenced. He invited the other kids over and shared his findings. This was what they could do. They could solve this mystery. He was met with eyerolls and long sighs, but that quickly changed when Nicolas noticed something on the document. There were numbers and symbols on the back, seemingly spread randomly. Nicolas had been obsessed with the old Mad magazines and noticed that there were some folds in the paper that seemed odd. He was trying to solve the puzzle in his head already. He grabbed the document and carefully started to fold and refold the page. Eventually, he figured out the pattern and laid the page down in front of the group. An image and several words appeared before them on the page – it was a very basic skull and the words “bóveda dos,” which Google translate quickly revealed to mean “Vault Two.”
In an instant, everything changed and our movie kicks into high gear. The new Goonies 2.0 gang had found their “thing to do” and were off to the races. For whatever reason, they decide to head off on this adventure on their own, leaving their parents behind. We get a montage of them prepping their gear, charging their phones and meeting up to return to the beach where their parents had emerged from the rocks years ago.
Based on the document Mikey had found, there was another entrance not far from where the ship had been located before…..
An adventure, very similar to the first film, unfolds. The kids have to solve several puzzles as they work their way to what they hope is another vault full of treasure.
[we all know what goes here] – the skills of the kids just so happen to align with the puzzles and they solve them one-by-one as they progress further into the cave.
What the kids couldn’t count on were the “cove-ers,” a bunch of individuals and small groups who had moved into the area near the beach after the pirate ship was found years ago. They were people from all walks of life that had hoped to find something in the caves the Goonies had originally found. At first, there were hundreds of them. Over the years, many had given up hope and left. New people showed up every so often, but after years of people coming up empty-handed, most had lost interest. Only a few “covers” remained now. They were ever watchful, always spying on anyone that approached the beach area. One such “cove-er” saw the kids and watched as they solved the first puzzle and found a secret entrance into the rocks, a mile or two down the beach. He followed them into the caves, but they didn’t have any idea.
Fast forward to the big reveal as the new Goonies find a separate cave, full of riches like the ones found on One-eyed Willy’s ship. The kids were filling their pockets and celebrating when a man appeared from the shadows. The mysterious man, played by Kiefer Sutherland, revealed himself and demanded the kids hand over what they had uncovered. He begins to tie them up as he reveals that his old cell-mate Francis had told him all about the treasure and that he had never fully believed him, but couldn’t let the opportunity pass him by. He had been living near the beach for years, hoping that someone would find something in those caves.
What this new mystery man and the kids failed to remember is the Original Goonies. It hadn’t taken long for them to notice the disappearance of the kids and Data was quick to track them via their phones. They had followed along the same path, through the new cave and past the boobie traps to find their kids. They arrived just in time to save the kids & to find One-eyed Willy’s second treasure – a hidden backup vault. Thankfully Goonies Never Say Die.